Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
channeling her this year
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.