Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
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the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.