Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
For $20 I’ll go to your ex’s profile and comment “the other one was cuter” on their pics
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*