Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.