Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

Got him!

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

welcome back

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.