Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
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Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.