Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
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doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Barbie gone wild
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.