Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
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[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Worth a try
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
socratic questions
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”