Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
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Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
In space, no one can hear…
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”