joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
That’s what I call a flat tire
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.