joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?