joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
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Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal