Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
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what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.