Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
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“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.