Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

jesus christ confetti not now

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

Does this dress make me look cat?

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.