Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Yup!
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
