Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
