Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
The booster protects against what, now?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
