Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
So we got a goldfish…
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
