Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Sharon, call the vet
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
