Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away