[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
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I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
hardest line in real life
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old