Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

The smoothest fall of all time

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

When someone trying to leave me

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.