Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
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People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.