Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
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don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…