Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.