[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
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If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
crying
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec