[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
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*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.