*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
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[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip