Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are