*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
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[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs