*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
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Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon