Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

when you are just born a rebel

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

Was it something I said?

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

The morning after pill, but for tweets

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.