Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

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Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*


ah excellent, an update to this software i use. think i’ll select remind me in 4 hours twice a day for the next seven months


First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*


Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.


9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.


I drink too much.

The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.


*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*


If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.


Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.