@StinkyGr33n

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

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@iamburtjarvis

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

@TheAlexNevil

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

@AndyAsAdjective

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

@maisondecris

HIM: promise you wonโ€™t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secretโ€™s safe with me ๐Ÿ™‚

@britrbennett

Witnessed the best party exit of my life yesterday: an adult told the six-year-old, โ€œI like your unicorn backpack.โ€ The girl paused on the steps and, without even casting a backwards glance, said, โ€œMaybe you can get one someday.โ€ Then she disappeared through the doggy door

@causticbob

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

@tdwyer618

“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”

“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”

@CooIStepDad

“Son it’s time we had the talk”

“Cmon dad I know about se..”

“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

“What?”

“It was an inside job”

@backporchlady

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.