Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
dictator is short for richard potato
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.