Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

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[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.


I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.


Your an idiot.
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.


HIM: promise you wonโ€™t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secretโ€™s safe with me ๐Ÿ™‚


Witnessed the best party exit of my life yesterday: an adult told the six-year-old, โ€œI like your unicorn backpack.โ€ The girl paused on the steps and, without even casting a backwards glance, said, โ€œMaybe you can get one someday.โ€ Then she disappeared through the doggy door


Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I


“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”

“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”


“Son it’s time we had the talk”

“Cmon dad I know about se..”

“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”


“It was an inside job”


My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.