@StinkyGr33n

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

@robwhisman

ah excellent, an update to this software i use. think i’ll select remind me in 4 hours twice a day for the next seven months

@Nyx422

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

@Spaced_Cowboy00

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

@thegingercorn

9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.

@iGreenMonk

I drink too much.

The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

@sixfootcandy

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

@UncleKermit

If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.

@markleggett

Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.