Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Sniffing the broccoli
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Autocarrot sucks!
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
No, he would not have.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!