Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

what?

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers