JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
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Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.