JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
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My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
#Caturday
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight