JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
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Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.