[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
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I can also cook 😂
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.