[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
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“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again