Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
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You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I have two kinds of followers
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I’m not wrong
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk