Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Is anyone gonna tell them?

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.