joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
You Might Also Like
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Finally!
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Put a ring on it
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
