Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

buying dead houseplants to save time

Brb my Sims are getting married

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

Ha

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

I’m so full I could puke a horse

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.