[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
You Might Also Like
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
when u come home smelling like another dog
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???