Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

Cartman: Respect my
a a

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

how was your vacation

grotesque if literal: baby food