Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

Is this a threat?

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…