Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Most fashion shows these days…

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback