JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
You Might Also Like
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
how to have an accident 101
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
my name if I was in the mob
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do