Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
you could not pay me to delete this app
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
White Castle for the Win
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.