Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
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HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?