Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

tinder is all about the long game

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms