As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
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“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
“Look slightly worried.” – picture advice from The Singer/Songwriter’s Handbook
Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
God: also you have eight eyes.
Messages you through eBay.
Hi, why did you block me?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day