@omgthatspunny

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

You Might Also Like

@LuvPug

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

@antsimpson

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

@kumailn

“Look slightly worried.” – picture advice from The Singer/Songwriter’s Handbook

@robfee

Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.

@gemmacorrell

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

@Tmoney68

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

@david8hughes

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

@NewDadNotes

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

@_NikkaBee

Messages you through eBay.

Hi, why did you block me?

@carlyken

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day