Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

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As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’


“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”


“Look slightly worried.” – picture advice from The Singer/Songwriter’s Handbook


Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.


I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.


Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House


[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you


God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.




God: also you have eight eyes.


Messages you through eBay.

Hi, why did you block me?


[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day