When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
it was love at first sight
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”