Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Buck naked
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business