Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

this is how life feels

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat