Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

#Caturday

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups