Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
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I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts