Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
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BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Oh good, now it is snowing”
– If I lived in a snow globe.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
WOMAN: Hey big boy
ME: *not knowing how to flirt back* Hey dad
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich.
This one just told me i was adopted 🙁
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.