@kiiimdaaa

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

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@Ryanfc706

I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.

@NicestHippo

You hate it
“No I just didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary here”
*pssss*
“What was that?!”
The bouncy castle is deflating

@TheTweetOfGod

Nancy Grace just called pot smokers “fat and lazy”. Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o’clock on a Monday watching your show.

@kelkulus

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

@joejwest

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

@BillMc7

Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

@mjkspeaks

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

@wendchymes

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner