@kiiimdaaa

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

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@aveuaskew

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

@tricycle_champ

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

@daplusk

“AAAAHH EARTHQUAKE!
Oh good, now it is snowing”

– If I lived in a snow globe.

@EndhooS

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

@TylerLinkin

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

@LanieLalaBugs

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

@GroovyTasia

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

@SRbeta

I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich.

This one just told me i was adopted 🙁

@sixfootcandy

Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.