@kiiimdaaa

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

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@CMGaldre

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

@vikkaroni

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

@thatUPSdude

Don’t forget to check your kid’s candy. Found a toothbrush in my nephew’s Halloween candy last year. Real psychos out there.

@DaddyJew

Gf: you’re speeding!

Me: no im not

Gf: what’s the speed limit?

Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close

Gf: drive

@UncleDuke1969

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

@Marlebean

Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

@AristotlesNZ

Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.