Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

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I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.


You hate it
“No I just didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary here”
“What was that?!”
The bouncy castle is deflating


Nancy Grace just called pot smokers “fat and lazy”. Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o’clock on a Monday watching your show.


Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.


ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please


Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.


In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.


Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner