Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

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Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.


BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist


Oh good, now it is snowing”

– If I lived in a snow globe.


911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket


In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.


My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”


Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet


I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich.

This one just told me i was adopted 🙁


Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.