RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
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I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
This has made my week.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)