Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
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8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“i am a sweet baby”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.