Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Happy Friday

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!