Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs