Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

so much to do

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

Called it

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.