Jokes on them. I took 10.
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I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Growing out my freckles.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
About to throw up
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
