Jokes on them. I took 10.
You Might Also Like
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?