Jokes on them. I took 10.
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Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.