Jokes on them. I took 10.
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what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I’m not alone. I have ants.