Jokes on them. I took 10.
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.