Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.