Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes